Sunday, August 28, 2011

Friendly uber alles

PHOENIX IS NOTED for its friendly people. And folks are indeed friendly here. Really, really friendly. Auto-pilot friendly. Shop at any grocery store to see it action. There I am at the checkout counter of my local Safeway with a basket containing a quart of milk, a loaf of bread, a few apples and a bag of Doritos. A single bagger. Upon concluding my purchase, the inevitable ritual begins: "Thank you so much, Mr. Perkins! You saved 83 cents today!" the cashier says brightly, teeth gleaming white. "Do you need help carrying your bag to your car?" Granted, I'm not the studly Marine I once was. But I think I can manage it -- somehow. "Um, thank you, no." I reply. "Well, have a nice day!" Never mind that the "day" is over, the sun having set two hours ago. Shopping during actual daytime hours is even wackier. Take today at Fry's (the friendly "Fresh Food...Lower Prices!" people). My cashier is a lanky, white-shirted blond kid (he's maybe 19) with a painfully clean-cut haircut. The friendly guy in front of me asks the kid, "So how are you today?" as he makes his purchase. The kid replies, "I am having a wonderful day here at Fry's." I nearly dropped my Oscar Mayer hot dogs. Somebody needs deprogramming. Is this kid human or a walking Fry's commercial? Upon my turn at the checkout, I simply couldn't resist: "So, are you really having-a-wonderful-day-here-at-Fry's?" I asked tongue in cheek, mimicking his line. "Um ... yessir," the kid replied unsteadily. Hmm. Did I just knock him off script? "Well, every day's a holiday, every meal's a feast!" I said cheerily, repeating an old Marine Corps saying. [Pregnant pause.] "Well ... what do you say about work?" the kid inquired politely. He was serious, and clearly puzzled. Wow. I had indeed knocked him off auto-pilot. Discretion being the better part of valor, I simply said, "Same as you, kid. Same as you." And they call us Californians weird.

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