Friday, June 10, 2011

Day of (Email) Infamy

President Barack Obama gave this address before an emergency, joint session of Congress and a stunned nation this afternoon (apologies to FDR in advance):
"Today, at 9 a.m. local time in Juneau, June 10th, 2011 -- a date which will live in infamy -- the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by 24,199 pages of emails from the Alaskan Empire of Sarah Palin.

The United States was at peace with that state and, at the solicitation of Alaska, was still in conversation with its government and its former half-term emperor governor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the rest of America.

The attack today on the Lower Forty-Nine has caused severe damage to American news outlets in print, on television and online (provoking breathless, 24/7 coverage). I regret to tell you that very many American minds have been lost. In addition, American hopes and dreams have been reported torpedoed on the cultural high seas between Honolulu and Washington DC. No one is safe from these merciless (and horribly written) emails.

Yesterday, the half-term governor also launched an email attack against Malaya.

Last night, Palin forces attacked Hong Kong.

Last night, Palin forces attacked Guam.

Last night, Palin forces attacked the Philippine Islands.

Last night, the Palinites attacked Wake Island.

And this morning, the Palinites attacked the American mainland.

The Palin emails have, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the known world. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. According to the latest polls, the people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion staged via Palin's Yahoo! email accounts, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our minds, and our sanity are in grave danger.

With confidence in our collective intelligence, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph -- so help us God.

I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by the 24,199 Palin emails on Friday, June 10th, 2011, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Palin Empire."
Right. You'd think the press would have something better to do than cover Palin's emails, a classic exercise in trivia if there ever was one. Instead, we get obsessive coverage like this example from Mother Jones: "Sarah Palin's Emails Revealed: LIVE Updates." Like Americans are glued to their laptops awaiting each page of badly written e-prose from the Quitta of Wasilla. Oy.

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