'Why fish? Why not fish?'

Pet Hostage Negotiator (Ace Ventura): "Calm down, sir. Put the 9mm down. You're surrounded. Don't make it any worse for yourself." Crazed Pet Shop Owner (Samuel L. Jackson): "Back off, mo'f@#kers!! Come any closer - and the guppy gets it between the gills!"

This ridiculous scene is where things are apparently headed in San Francisco. The city, named for the patron saint of animals, is considering an ordinance that would ban the sale of pets. ALL pets. ANY kind of pet. Soulless pet industry lobbyists say such a step is draconian. It would cause small pet shops to close and criminalize any parent trying to sell off an unexpected puppy litter. Wild-eyed animal activists say it will save pet "lives' and end the needless suffering of, well, anything that barks, meows, chirps, flies, crawls, runs, swims or slithers, per the LA Times.

In a rant for the ages, Philip Gerrie, a coauthor of the city proposal, told the Times: "Why fish? Why not fish? From Descartes on up, in the Western mindset, fish and other nonhuman animals don't have feelings, they don't have emotions, we can do whatever we want to them. If we considered them living beings, we would deal with them differently. ... Our culture sanctions this, treating them as commodities and expendable."

So, if we re-shape the canons of philosophy to suit Gerrie, just where does that leave us? "I breathe, therefore I am?" Look, I'm all for the humane treatment of animals (except roaches and mosquitoes - I say kill 'em all). But this debate has clearly careened beyond any semblance of common sense. Each side has hardened into positions best characterized by Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls: "Of COURSE! How sssselfish of me. Let's do all the things that YOU wanna do!"