Wither The Postman?

Just when you think the news can't possibly get any worse, it does. Evidently, the United States Postal Service ― which has been in continuous operation since 1775 ― is on the verge of financial collapse. Per the LA Times, Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe told a Senate committee that unless the USPS eliminated Saturday delivery, closed thousands of post offices, restructured its health plan and laid off 120,000 workers, it's lights out ― possibly in less than a year. In a word: Gasp. Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night can stay these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds ― unless they're broke.

Let's face it: modernity blew pass the USPS some time ago. The moment e-mail caught on in the 90s, the USPS became a lumbering Brontosaurus doomed to extinction (at least in its current form). In recent years, Internet interlopers like Facebook have added more nails to the US Mail coffin. Think about it. When was the last time you wrote a letter to anyone? I can't remember either. Even job resumes are mostly sent electronically these days. I'm not saying the demise of letter-writing is a good thing. On the contrary, civilization is losing something valuable if not priceless. But Elvis has left the building. And then there's the competition. When there is no tomorrow, and "it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight," who you gonna call? Federal Express, of course ― with UPS ("Big Brown") and DHL ("We Move The World") as back-ups. All the Postal Service can do is eat their dust.

The mission of the USPS is to provide Americans with trusted universal postal service at affordable prices regardless of geographic location. And that it still does. The trouble is that it also employs over 574,000 workers and operates over 218,000 vehicles (the largest such fleet in the world). That ain't cheap. Indeed, the USPS workforce is roughly equal in size to 12 WWII-type army groups or 57 infantry divisions. In fact, at it's peak, the size of the Roman Army never exceeded 450,000 men, about 33 legions. In theory, then, the Postmaster General and his weather-resistant armies of letter-carriers could conquer the world. The new USPS creed might easily become: Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s. Since we know how that movie would likely end ($25 stamps, delivery when they feel like it, and your first-born as a sacrifice), I say give Gen. Donahoe whatever he needs to survive. You know, before he starts thinking through his "options."