Cloudy with a chance of satellite showers

Why, oh why, is the media so consumed with dead satellites falling back to Earth? According to the New York Times, NASA's Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite (UARS) was "intently tracked by people around the world over the last couple of days." Or so the media says. Okay, by a show of hands, how many of you had even heard of UARS before you learned about it from the media or Twitter? Right, that's what I thought -- nobody. Now I have no doubt a handful of geeks in Star Trek garb, Tea Partiers (it's Obama's fault), and the very very paranoid were indeed following the UARS saga with bated breath. After all, the Times reported, at least 26 pieces -- the largest being 330 pounds!! -- was "expected to survive the plunge." OMG! Somebody is gonna die! And it could be YOU! Oh the humanity! Except NASA, like a substitute teacher being overrun by screaming kindergartners (Schwarzenegger: "IT'S NOT A TUMAHHH!"), has repeatedly said that there's only a 1-in-3,200 risk of anyone being injured by the falling debris. For those of you (like me) who are a little weak in the math department, that means the chances of getting hit by UARS is one in several trillion. Your'e more likely to win the top Powerball prize. And just for the record: No one has been hurt by falling satellites since the dawn of the Space Age -- not a single person, ever. Yet, we go through this media-hype cycle every time a sizable orbital object swan-dives to Earth. Still, if you're one of the satellite-paranoid-delusionals, please hold and stay on the line while we trace your call.