Doorstops R Us

ONE morning some months ago, I nearly tripped over the bulky Yellow Pages book lying in ambush at my front door. As I was taking the garbage out anyway, I grabbed it up and proceeded to the dumpster apace.

Two of my neighbors arrived there at the same time, each hauling their own Yellow books. We all laughed at the irony. Does anyone still use these things in the Age of Google?

Of course the Yellow Pages Association says, “You bet they do!” Per Atlantic Magazine, the association (representing 400 of their brethren nationwide) reports, “more consumers use the yellow pages – 65 percent! – than any other source when searching for local business information.” "There's still a lot of value and high usage," gushed Amy Healy, the association's vice president of public policy and sustainability.

Uh huh – right.

According to the Atlantic, the Association's research revealed this pattern:

Yellow Pages usage increases significantly when people are experiencing life events such as buying a home, planning a wedding or preparing for retirement, among others. Two major demographic segments, Generation Y and Baby Boomers - which together number almost 160 million consumers, will experience many life events over the next 10 years or so, and many will use the Yellow Pages to help them evaluate their options and make a buying decision.

Continuing, the Atlantic said, “So the yellow pages aren't just for taxis and pizzas, they're really sleepers, lying there patiently, waiting for one of those ‘life events’ -- including, of course, the ultimate ride.”

Yeah, I got your ‘life event’; I got your “life event” right here, buddy.

I mean really. When was the last time you used the yellow pages for, like, anything -- beyond doorstop duty? I can’t remember either. Buying a house? Getting married? So, what, you ditch the Internet and Google for the inefficient, hard-to-use yellow pages? You gotta be freakin’ kiddin’ me. Nobody I know would do such a boneheaded thing.

I normally have a big issue with book burnings. But when it comes to the yellow pages, I’ll make an exception, just this one time. Maybe a big barn burner would convince the Corporate Yellow Suits to move their dead-tree directories fully online where the rest of us now live.

Hey buddy, got a match?