Bieber crushes on Palin, Lady GaGa

OK OK -- the above headline is bogus. But like Andrew Sullivan (from whom I stole this post idea), I'm also figuring out how HuffPo wields its SEO black magic to lure readers.

It's all in the keywords, baby. First, visit Google Trends to discover the hour's hottest topics. Then dream up a sensational headline (include "sex" if possible). Next, assemble a keyword-laden graf. Be as repetitive as possible. Stir in the names of red-hot celebs, and serve.

Here's my bid for page visit nirvana:

Watson, the IBM computer, is beating the humans on Jeopardy. Watson is not in jeopardy of losing. While Arcade Fire continued to party, protesters took to the streets of Bahrain. Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville took ill as microchip-maker Nvidia's earnings beat Wall Street expectations. The cops say gunshots were fired at rapper Waka Flocka. A new sexual definition for “Santorum” has Republican Rick Santorum up in arms. People are flocking to the Turbotax website. Plus folks are tracking down Nir Rosen, the idiot journo who made fun of sexual assault. Did I mention Nir Rosen is an idiot? And I should mention Justin Bieber, Sarah Palin, Lady GaGa and Charlie Sheen because -- well, just because. Lastly, Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber and Justin Bieber.

Look out HuffPo, The Portal is gunning for ya. Can a $315 million payday be far behind?