Habemus Papam

THE TELEVISION was on but muted. I saw the white smoke as I happened to look up. So, the Conclave has chosen a new Pope. That was quick. It's only Day 2. Naturally, the media is covering the event like the Super Bowl. The adjective "breathless" leaps to mind. Something unseemly about that. I un-mute the TV. MSNBC's Tamron Hall is gushing. "We're glad you could speak to us, Chris, especially since two of your relatives were nuns and you're a Catholic." That would be Chris Matthews, the host of MSNBC's Hardball. I have a passel of Catholic relatives, too. Didn't realize that qualified me as a Vatican expert like Matthews. I watched the curious blend of pontiff-mania, stilted pageantry and medieval proceedings a little while longer. Matthews begins spinning yarns about the nuns of his youth. Decorum compelled me to hit the mute button.

It was a dark and stormy day ...

THE WINDOWS of my study rattled as broadside after broadside of afternoon wind and hail battered them. Hail. Frozen, white, quarter-inch balls of hail. In Arizona. I could hardly believe it as the hail began to accumulate in blowing drifts along the ground. It looked like glassy snow. In Arizona. Wow. The Phoenix area almost never gets "weather," the character-building, soul-trying conditions that I experienced (and mostly enjoyed) on the East Coast. It was nice to get a taste of that again today.

Beware of do-gooders bearing gifts

I NEARLY FELL for it. Back in 2009, a group of Harvard undergrads devised a brilliant product: a soccer ball that creates and stores electricity during game play. In 30 minutes of play, the "Soccket" can power an LED lamp for 3 hours. Presto! A clean, cheap, Eco-friendly energy source for the downtrodden in developing nations. Socckets are now being marketed by Uncharted Play, a for-profit "social enterprise" that aims to "create fun products and services that address real world issues and bring joy to the masses." So what's not to like? Nothing, except the old adage: Beware of do-gooders bearing gifts to brown people. There is no shortage of well-meaning (mostly white) people offering donor-driven, top-down, photogenic solutions to Third World problems. The problem, as critics Aaron Ausland and Kelsey Timmerman point out here and here, is that virtually all of these "solutions" fail the Fish Test. To wit: In impoverished regions, is it better to give a man a fish or teach a man to fish? The answer is obvious -- except, evidently, to those pushing their feel-good but futile products. The Soccket is a cool invention that I hope will find utility somewhere. But it's still a fish. And, as Ausland argues, it represents everything that's wrong with international development today. At bottom, the problem isn't electricity, it's poverty.

Caution: Media train wreck ahead

IN THE NEWS today: Senate confirms Brennan as CIA director. Check. Obama signs Violence Against Women Act. Check. North Korea vows to turn U.S. into "sea of flames." Whatever. Check. Jodi Arias trial's focus is graphic sex, not murder. [Cue the screeching tires sound effect] Um, wait. Wha? Who is Jodi Arias and why is the media insisting that I know? Long story short: Arias and her boyfriend had lots and lots of gratuitous sex (in every conceivable form), and then she killed him. In self-defense, she says. She's now on trial for her life. So just how salacious is this trial? Hint: The photo of Arias at left was shown to the jury as Exhibit Q or whatever. Well, perhaps America will grow up one day and learn to ignore these sensational episodes of human failing. Oh stop laughing. I'm serious. Attaining cultural maturity is not impossible. What's that? I can't hear you over the cackling. Oh never mind.

Hillary does Zoolander

Oh I kid the former secretary of state and presumed Democratic frontrunner in 2016.

Iraq War: Not a pretty picture 10 years later

AFTER 9/11, it didn't take long before American shock transmuted to white hot anger. With the sound of those jet engines slamming into the Twin Towers still ringing in my ears, I vividly recall my own rage. President Bush stoked it further when he stood atop the rubble in New York and said, "I can hear you ... and the people who knocked down these walls will hear from all of us soon." Understandably, America was spoiling for a fight and we wanted our pound of flesh. We unthinkingly gave Bush carte blanche to get it. He unthinkingly obliged us with the Iraq War, launched 10 years ago this month. The Butcher of Baghdad had nothing to do with 9/11. But there was a seductive logic to knocking him off: In theory, he could potentially arm terrorists with WMDs in the future. But how great was this potential? Virtually nil. But that is the crucial question that should have been asked -- but wasn't -- before spilling blood in Iraq. And so Bush invaded Iraq willy-nilly with a 2-to-1 ratio of support from the American people. The cost: Eight years of war, at least a trillion dollars in US treasury, 36,709 dead and wounded American soldiers plus 50,152 Iraqi civilian fatalities. And, in the end, the war bought us the world's 9th most politically unstable country, according to the think-tank Fund for Peace. But aren't the Iraqis better off without Saddam? Yes, unquestionably. But was it worth the price we Americans paid? Before attempting to answer that question, I'd advise asking the 1% of Americans who endured multiple, PTSD-inducing combat tours in Iraq -- and the families of the 4,486 U.S. soldiers who returned home in coffins.

Don't cry for me, Venezuela

Hugo Rafael Chávez Frías, soldier and politician, born July 28, 1954; died March 5, 2013.

The Guardian's obituary perhaps summed it all up best: "Populist leader of Venezuela – a charismatic hero to the poor who denounced capitalism and persecuted his opponents." El Comandante was not exactly a dictator, but he was no Thomas Jefferson.

Some, like scholar Oscar Guardiola-Rivera, are quick to apply a "Che" Guevara-like hallow to Chávez: "The facts speak for themselves: the percentage of households in poverty fell from 55% in 1995 to 26.4% in 2009. When Chávez was sworn into office unemployment was 15%, in June 2009 it was 7.8%. Compare that to current unemployment figures in Europe."

True. But Guardiola-Rivera (and legions of blinkered leftists) never confronts the crucial question: At what cost?

That's left to Venezuelan writer Francisco Toro (and many others): "Today millions of Venezuelans will weep tears of genuine anguish at his passing. ... It's just that, over the past fourteen years, he exploited that vein ever more ruthlessly, strip-mining the people's affection for the gratification of a monstrously overgrown ego and dismantling the institutions of democratic life in the process." As Toro outlines, those facts speak for themselves, too -- in spades.

And then there's Oliver Stone, this time on a mission to revise history before it's written. "Hated by the entrenched classes, Hugo Chavez will live forever in history." That, I doubt.

Leave the smarts, take the cannoli

Fredo Corleone [exasperated]: "I'm your older brother, Mike, and I was stepped over!" Michael [calmly]: "That's the way Pop wanted it." Fredo [angry, out of control]: "It ain't the way I wanted it! I can handle things! I'm smart! Not like everybody says ... I'm smart ... and I want respect!" With that classic Godfather scene in mind, Daniel Dewy, a specialist in machine superintelligence, asks: "How do we know the human brain doesn’t represent the upper limit of intelligence? Human brains are really good at the kinds of cognition you need to run around the savannah throwing spears. But we’re terrible at anything that involves probability." You know, stuff like representative democracy, macroeconomics, supreme court decisions, war, and battling climate change. Me [angry, out of control]: "But, Daniel, we're smart ... not like everybody says!" And then I remember that we're no longer on the savannah chucking spears. Right. Humanity may be in deeper trouble than we realize. I know it was you, Fredo ...

Removing a peculiar asterisk

IT'S JAW-DROPPING but official. Some 147 years after the Union ratified the Thirteenth Amendment, and (as SNL noted) 4 months after Lincoln opened in theaters, the Magnolia State has freed the slaves. According to ABC News, until February 7, 2013, the state Mississippi had never submitted the required documentation to ratify the Thirteenth Amendment, meaning it never officially had abolished slavery. Talk about par for the course. William Faulkner famously said, "To understand the world, you must first understand a place like Mississippi." That, alas, means I'll never understand the world.

Jousting with Obama

I LOVE IT when White House reporters boldly attempt to go one-on-one with President Obama intellectually. They actually expect to win the tournament. And every time, they get slam-dunked or otherwise taken to school by the Professor in Chief. During press briefings, it's like a scene out of The Paper Chase where cocksure Harvard law students attempt to match wits with Professor Charles Kingsfield (played by John Houseman) -- and lose. Take yesterday's press conference on the sequester mess. AP's Julie Pace, a bright Northwestern University grad, tried to goad the president into admitting he's no Daniel Day Lewis, I mean, Lincoln. To wit:

Pace: "Mr. President, how much responsibility do you feel like you bear for these cuts taking effect?"

As usual, Obama responded thoughtfully and at length. But the Paper Chasing Ms. Pace wasn't satisfied, so she daringly went for the presidential jugular. Big mistake:

Pace: "It sounds like you're saying that this is a Republican problem and not one that you bear any responsibility for."

Obama flashed his trademark mega-smile, steadied his gaze, and fingered the trigger of his impending trap.

"Well, Julie, give me an example of what I might do?" Obama asked playfully.

"I'm just trying to clarify your statement," Pace responded, now squirming.

"Well, no, but I'm trying to clarify the question," Obama said, pulling the trigger.

Kersplat, goes the trap. Ms. Pace, you've just been served. Obama completes his shot:

"What I'm suggesting is, I've put forward a plan that calls for serious spending cuts, serious entitlement reforms, goes right at the problem that is at the heart of our long-term deficit problem. I've offered negotiations around that kind of balanced approach. And so far, we've gotten rebuffed because what Speaker Boehner and the Republicans have said is, we cannot do any revenue, we can't do a dime's worth of revenue. So what more do you think I should do? Okay, I just wanted to clarify. (Laughter.) Because if people have a suggestion, I'm happy to -- this is a room full of smart folks." (More laughter)

Heh. Next up, CNN's Jessica Yellin, a Harvard College grad, magna cum laude no less.

Yellin: "Mr. President, to your question, what could you do - first of all, couldn’t you just have them down here and refuse to let them leave the room until you have a deal?" (Laughter.)

Obama -- Harvard grad, Law Review, and constitutional scholar -- again flashed that winsome smile, targeted his quarry and, well, you know what's coming.

Obama: "I mean, Jessica, I am not a dictator. I’m the President. So, ultimately, if Mitch McConnell or John Boehner say, we need to go to catch a plane, I can't have Secret Service block the doorway, right? So ..."

Yellin (again trying the mythical Lincoln gambit): "But isn’t that part of leadership? I’m sorry to interrupt, but isn’t –"

Obama (lowering the boom): "I understand. And I know that this has been some of the conventional wisdom that's been floating around Washington that somehow, even though most people agree that I’m being reasonable, that most people agree I’m presenting a fair deal, the fact that they don't take it means that I should somehow do a 'Jedi mind-meld' with these folks and convince them to do what’s right. Well, they're elected. ... And this idea that somehow there’s a secret formula or secret sauce to get Speaker Boehner or Mitch McConnell to say, you know what, Mr. President, you’re right, we should close some tax loopholes for the well-off and well-connected in exchange for some serious entitlement reform and spending cuts of programs we don't need. I think if there was a secret way to do that, I would have tried it. I would have done it. ... What I can do is I can make the best possible argument. And I can offer concessions, and I can offer compromise. I can negotiate. I can make sure that my party is willing to compromise and is not being ideological or thinking about these just in terms of political terms. And I think I've done that and I will continue to do that. But what I can't do is force Congress to do the right thing."

Nor can he force White House correspondents to ask smarter questions. Obama 2, Reporters 0.

The unbearable lightness of being (flat wrong)

YOUR HONORS, may it please the Court:

Um, why are four conservative white men (Roberts, Scalia, Alito, Kennedy) -- plus Clarence Thomas -- on this Supreme Court in a rush to deep-six the Voting Rights Act of 1965?

Why the rush to judgment that racism, a tragic hallmark of America for centuries (recent progress notwithstanding), has suddenly evaporated -- now and for all time? Why the rush to embrace the fantasy that, “The radical treatment [i.e., the aforementioned Act] cured the disease,” as Alabama Shelby County lawyer Bert W. Rein has so passionately argued before Your Honors. Why the rush to cast aside the fact that Rein's beloved Shelby County -- the geographic center of Alabama (i.e., the "Heart of Dixie") where Republicans (all white) have held every elected office in the County since 2010, whose first County Courthouse was built by slaves in 1854, and whose current website (where not a single minority face appears) referred to its historic 1820 census as containing 2,044 whites and 448, um, "Negroes" -- has had 240 discriminatory voting measures recently blocked by Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act? You know, the reason why Justice Sonia Sotomayor called Shelby County the “epitome” of the reason for keeping Section 5 firmly in place?

Why the bum rush by the Gang-of-Four-plus-Thomas to ignore the 98 to 0 Senate vote in 2006 to keep the Voting Rights Act in place? Why is Justice Antonin Scalia in such a hurry to declare that the will of Congress was proof not of the strength of the case for the law, but of what he called “the perpetuation of racial entitlement?” Say what?! Why, Your Honors, the blind resistance to walking a mile in the shoes of discrimination's victims -- and contemplating the backward pull of the South's blood-red clay -- before declaring with certitude that discrimination is dead? Why, oh why, are you white dudes (plus Thomas) so damn eager to spike the football in your imagined victory over prejudice? Your Honors, are you serious?

And yet chances are excellent that the storied Voting Rights Act -- a law that even Gang-of-Four-plus-Thomas member Samuel Alito said was "probably one of the most successful laws of the 20th century” -- will be struck down in defeat, 5 to 4. Humbly, I ask again, why?

Quote of the day

"Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time." -- E.B. White (1943)

Back to the Oscar prom

So what, among other (way more important) sequester-related things, was headlining the Washington Post front page this morning? "Michelle Obama's Oscar presentation raises questions about the role of a first lady." Um, really? Yeah, really. And it's the "most popular" story on the newspaper's website, too. Just when I thought the national press corps has graduated high school, I wake up at the back of the classroom and realize it didn't. Technically, this is known as a "temporal causality loop," a phenomenon whereby a specific moment in time repeats itself continually inside an independent fragment of time. Say what? Ok, Ok -- think of it as the Hotel California: You can check out anytime you wish, but you can never leave. Either way, Washington journos remain 20 credits shy of maturity. Please leave the First Lady (who did graduate) alone.

The Emancipation of Barack Obama

HISTORY HAS NOT yet rendered its verdict on President Barack Obama. But we know now that he was no fluke of history. In 2008, Atlantic columnist Ta-Nehisi Coates notes, Obama was a talented rookie -- but arguably very, very lucky. By 2012, however, he "was the captain of the football team" with a formidable record. Coates thoughtfully  writes: "The second chapter of the Obama presidency begins exactly a century and a half after Abraham Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation took effect" and that "Lincoln’s [Emancipation Proclamation] order transformed a war for union into a war for abolition, and in so doing put the country on a road to broad citizenship ..." I would add that Obama's reelection put the country -- kicking and screaming (see the dying GOP of angry old white men), messily (see Congress) but irrevocably -- on the road toward the Framers' dream of "a more perfect union." It's rarely pretty, but that's how American history is made.

NASCAR, c'est la même chose ...

And you thought Coliseum-style death-sports died when Rome fell.

Kyle Larson’s car (32) goes airborne during a multi-car wreck on the final lap of the NASCAR Nationwide Series auto race at Daytona International Speedway in Daytona Beach, Fla. -- sending car parts and other debris flying into the stands, injuring spectators. Geez. (Photo: David Graham / AP)

Analyzing Vader's generalship

IT SEEMS Wired is hosting a military strategy symposium that analyzes the Battle of Hoth in The Empire Strikes Back. You know, the movie. Spencer Ackerman (apparently straight-facedly) writes: "How did the Galactic Empire ever cement its hold on the Star Wars Universe? The war machine built by Emperor Palpatine and run by Darth Vader is a spectacularly bad fighting force, as evidenced by all of the pieces of Death Star littering space. But of all the Empire’s failures, none is a more spectacular military fiasco than the Battle of Hoth at the beginning of The Empire Strikes Back. From a military perspective ..." Well, you get the picture. Granted, the symposium is utterly harmless (albeit preposterous). But hey, whatever flies your Rebel Alliance Starfighter (and may the Force be with you). But it's a classic example of what happens when us boys have way too much time on own hands.

Life is tough on the Vatican beat

I SIMPLY MARVEL at how the press loves to cover itself. From CNN, we get this fraught report from Italy: "Opaque, hierarchical and arcane, the Vatican is a tough beat even for seasoned reporters. It involves paying punctilious attention to papal routine -- never missing the often dreary papal audiences on a Wednesday and the uneventful address from the Vatican on Sunday." Surely you can feel their pain. The "Vaticanisti" (what the reporters call themselves) in Rome are forced to toil in the 11th-most-visited city in the world and the most popular tourist attraction in Italy. And, oh my god, they have to dine on real Italian food in all of its sumptuous magnificence -- you know, frequently. How on earth do these lowly scribes manage to survive at all on this beat? Having spent some time amid the beauty and glories of "Roma," all I can say is: Give me a break, CNN.

Rubio's 'Watergate'

Never, ever, volunteer to give the Republican Response after the President's State of the Union Address -- especially if that president is named Obama. No good will come of it. Just ask Bobby Jindal. Marco Rubio -- the new GOP "Savior" according to Time magazine -- did it anyway. Well, it turns out that Marco Aurelius can't walk on water after all. Talk about not being ready for prime time. Enjoy:

Coup de grâce

Ted Nugent, 64, is an aging "rock star" from the now distant 70s. If you were a young person then, you probably rocked out to his "Cat Scratch Fever" occasionally. But Jim Morrison (of "The Doors") he wasn't. His other "hits" appealed mostly to his dedicated fans/groupies. Musically, he went the way of the dinosaurs. Then, he returned from the dead - sort of. Today, Nugent is "famous" for being a crazy-white-guy-conservative who desperately craves the limelight and won't shut up about his politics. Somehow, he has become an uber Republican and a Tea Party poster boy. Wrapping himself in the American flag, Nugent claims to speak for the average Joe, the cop, and especially our troops. Never mind that he dodged the draft to avoid going to Vietnam. Anyway, Nugent was at the SOTU last night as a guest of a publicity-seeking congressman. Apparently, he behaved himself. Afterward, he mingled with the press, according to Slate. “If you walk the halls with me,” he told a National Review writer, “every military guy, every cop, has an Uncle Ted story. See the smile on my face? These are my buddies here. I’m surrounded by working hard, playing hard Americans.” Right. Slate then reported this sequence of events: Nugent was shepherded over to a standing MSNBC camera. Two police officers looked on, confused by the mobile media herd. “Who’s that?” asked one cop. “It’s Ted Nugent,” said the other cop. “He’s a rock star, he talks about guns.” “Really? Never heard of him.” Priceless.

'Fair and balanced' and untrusted

Poor Fox News. It seems, as Falstaff told his mistress in Henry IV, there's no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune. According to Public Policy Polling's latest annual survey on TV news: "There's only one source more Americans trust than distrust: PBS. 52% of voters say they trust PBS to only 29% who don't trust it. The other seven outlets we polled on are all distrusted by a plurality of voters. Just like its actual ratings, Fox News has hit a record low in the four years that we've been doing this poll. 41% of voters trust it to 46% who do not." Andrew Sullivan, of course, couldn't resist: PBS, "That alleged bastion of liberal bias – which Mitt Romney wanted to defund – is now trusted more than any other media source. Congrats, Roger Ailes. You’re doing for the liberal media what Karl Rove did for the Democratic party."

What would Jesus pack?

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition? Yes, pious folks in Arkansas may soon be able to pack heat in church. According to a CNN report, the Arkansas state legislature passed a measure that would allow concealed guns to be carried in houses of worship. It passed overwhelmingly. And the governor, a Democrat, apparently plans to sign the bill. Washington Post columnist Alexandra Petri weighs in with this perspective: "Is this really the world we want to live in, where we are not just fearing the worst but expecting it, all the time? To me, at least, that misses the point." Amen.

Go ahead, make my day

POTUS shoots clay targets on the range at Camp David on Aug. 4, 2012.

The hype is the point

Finally, a clear-eyed writer speaks truth to the Super Bowl. The Atlantic's Hampton Stevens observes that the "spectacle has eclipsed the game." So why fight it? He rightly concludes that the "Super Bowl is our National Day of Capitalism—a feast and party that's mercifully without the least bit of spiritual underpinning. It's a celebration of commercialism and consumerism, and consumption for consumptions' sake. ... If you are a serious, hardcore NFL fan—the sort who is deep into fantasy draft prep by June—try not to get too upset about all the silliness today." Good advice. For sanity's sake, this is one of those times when it really is better to simply bow to the absurd and pass the popcorn.

Another inconvenient truth

WEIGHING IN on the gun control debate, writer Sam Harris goes to the heart of the matter and asks: "How is it that we live in a society in which one of the most compelling interests is gun ownership? Where is the science lobby? The safe food lobby? Where is the get-the-Chinese-lead-paint-out-of-our-kids’-toys lobby? When viewed from any other civilized society on earth, the primacy of guns in American life seems to be a symptom of collective psychosis."

OMG: God is a NFL fan?

According to the Public Religion Research Institute, a quarter of Americans say God influences sporting events. Political comedian Dean Obeidallah helpfully notes: "That means about 80 million Americans believe that God will help one of the teams in this Sunday's Super Bowl." Oh my god. I better call my bookie. Per CNN, when asked if they believe God plays a role in who wins, 27% of Americans said yes. Poll results varied among regions and religions: 36% said yes in the South, 28% in the Midwest, 20% in the Northeast and 15% in the West. Do I have a problem with this? Not at all. I'm a committed whatever-floats-your-boat kind of guy as long as your boat doesn't unduly rock mine. Still, the very idea that God might give the Baltimore Ravens a divine assist is difficult to fathom. I mean, how could He not be a 49ers fan in the first place? After all, they are 4-point favorites. This, of course, is the sort of twaddle we get into when ye of too much faith (the pious 27%) try to bring the Lord down to our level. There's a reason we were made in God's image, not the other way around.